whuauryu

wittle update. back in school! hence y this blog still irks me. taking a full load of classes for the first time in.well.a very very long time. still working. learning that whole time management thing. but i can say i have finally "settled" here in south florida. at least im not running away just yet. now. time to make magic.

5.4.3.2.

oh ten. remember in high school and we wld contemplate on all the kiddies that wld graduate in 2010 and what hand sign they would make up to "throw in the ayr" when someone asked what yr they were? what have ya'll thought of? shooot what have i thought of. because by time i finalllllly get this degree its going to be. oh ten. oh eleven. geesh louise. but everytime i think like that. the "He dont wear a watch" quote pops in my head. good thoughts:

im sorta kinda finding my place again. not quite there but not quite where i was. its like rehab this 'phase'. kicking the habit and becoming the old me. or a better version of self. a work in progress. forvr. just popped ovr to say. be back in 5.4.3.2...

36 days

another headshot session
package
agency submissions
student film audi
meet-up
conclude repertoire book
register for spring
read a play

stranded

but smile with the eyes. she. so when i close my eyes tonight. maybe i wont be so angry:

edit./theotherme

i really need to know revamp this blog. as well as create another for the other me. toira the character and the artist need separate lives. my people keep telling me this but i really dont feel like it. procrastination is a deadly disease. soon though, the "professional actress" will have her own entity to follow, while toira will continue on with her random life. and become a little more personal as the whole reason i started "blogging" years ago was to vent. and share. for reason unknown i cant do that here. and now that 'this' has a name we need to focus it a bit. inspired by all of the actors blogs i currently follow. [seetheatreblogroll] with updates on their "working status" and tidbits on the professional world. not that anything major major is happening, but i feel it in my bones. and my bones never lie.


randomthought:happybirthdaydrizzy.

grrrrrr

i need to vent. but i cant. and isnt that what blogs are for. was in a perfectly peachy mood and then bam. bam again. and that last bam pretty much popped my happy bubble. the first was more like an anoying knat that i got on the first try but still left an annpyong itch. while the second was like i deflated my own balloon. wish i could just fast forward the hands of time and skip all the ugly stuff.



:past, present, future?

y.r.u.n. it

"Because the HOW of how your success will come is not up to you. The things that you do in service of that goal? Those are yours to control. The reactions you have to the ups and downs along the way? Those are yours to have. And the reminder about why you're in this "fight" (when it feels like a fight, which it needn't, if you reframe it sometimes) to begin with? That's yours to remember." -b.g.

just read this over at bonnie gillespie's the actors voice. literally got choked up reading it. was asked tonight what my final goal would be as far as acting & such. replied with i want to sustain self through acting. solely. and maybe let it fnd some other business ideas. i just want to act. no fame, fortune necessary. but i need to act. like i breathe and eat. went off on a tangent about just wanting to create and tell stories. i am a storyteller. its why i have to act. then i happen to read miss bonnie's post and well it all just overwhelmed me. i was that kid practicing acceptance speeches in front of the mirror. the ham who always put on a show. never forget my first play at n.b.cook where i was the non-talking clown. and how upset i was i didnt have any lines. but when it came to doing my part, i stole the show. was so animated and full of what i now know as 'choices" that the audeince couldnt get enough. thats when i decided i was going to be an actress. and it hasnt wavered. just think acting got kind of serious for me for a while. and i forgot how to play somewhere in the midst of techniques and character analysis. theatre history and plays&playwrights. wasnt ready. never fell out of love though. i miss it. oh so much. and today and lately i've been wondering whats the hold up. "trying" isnt good enough. something is stopping me. myself. so i ask her y.r.u.n. it.

[insert clown picture once i find & scan. motivation.]

the moon manicure

admit it may not be quite so appropriate for the workplace. but i said i would. not usually one for "trends" and "whats next"-but this one definitely was a must. now i scare dogs and coworkers alike with the nifty look. backstory:-the moon manicure was made popular in the 20s by film and burlesque starlets. borrowed.

edited to add: all the compliments come from the cute little ole' palm beach ladies. they adore!

22.

while im at it. just had a birthday. yesterday. whowouldathunkit. and to think i used to do a countdown. insert age-and a half. decided im 22. thinks its funny ive allready stopped the clock. one of these days. now relishing in the fact that a] i was mistaken for 16 recently b] i have issues with my age.life. status in life. and well a basket of other ish. so until i break out of this black hole, 22 it is. makes for a better title too. thats another story. rambling. stop now if you wish. getting distracted watching this crazy a movie about a teenage girl recruiting her bf to kill the stepdad. def think i read this story somewhere in the news but this mess is crazy. electric knife and all. wow. the birthday. the most memorable? that spot is reserved for the age ten. surprises inside. hello kitty. makeup and nails. all pink everything. always put extremely high expectations on birthdays, holidays, proms. why cant i be a normal child, usually results in finding myself morose and blue. someone said i need 'happy pills'. how sad. especially for the girl who has permanent smile lines. whereshego? anyhoo. new age. place. outlook. dont feel nearly as old as the birth certificate says. the last few years have been a blur. left school. went back. came home. moved in with him. time. and now here we are. mom called it the 'sabbatical'. feeling good [for lack of a better word] these days though. not the best but better. every day im rediscovering myself. discovering my world. life is good. look around and realize no complaints. could be anywhere right now but im surrounded by my family, and love. and isnt that what its all about anyway. the good stuff.

idle hands.

described thyself for quite some time. but with this move, there's a new agenda. a new focus. redirecting my energies. positive. at least trying to keep it that way. will admit my first week here was rough. emotional. a lot of tears. unfocused. was in a disturbing place. not saying i wont feel that way again. but today. is that day. was it lou holtz. dont remember. but pick a day. and move on. i think this is it. was quite busy the past two days. a state i almost forgot the feeling of. feeling "productive" for lack of a better word. yesterday i went on campus. checked on a few things. ran an errand for mom. and went to an art gallery. [moreonthislater] today. woke up. had 2 cups o'morning jo, made some calls. got pretty. went to work. [ok so maybe i did a tweet or two in those few hours but i was at work ontime]. came home. checked on school. going to bed soon. seems so long ago the days of secondary school, dance classes, rehearsals, homework, volunteering, maybe an afterschool job, being a busy bee. i loved it. and i miss it. and i want it back. i know i spend too much time thinking about what i want to do rather than doing. my obsession with the internet has a lot to do with it. but im proud to say i havent gone through my blogroll in daaaays.[think i miss 2bd the most/&vsb] a task that takes hours of perusing, scanning, nothing to be honest. i have settled into my new luxurious day job."starting over again" with this schooling. edited stories for school paper. joining/joined the world of journalism. focused a heck of a lot more of time & energy on my career. and my love. [acting&theatre if theres any questions] been a really great big sister. and daughter. so i think. was kind of urgh coming home from work and my lovely mentor reminded me "do not despise small beginnings". right now i am where i think i am supposed to be. might not be where i want to be. but i have an overwhelming sense of "ok". and well i'll take that.

:clearly this blog has taken a trn for the more personal route. hence the end of toirajames. and well something new to arise. in the works. not that i have any followers. [ok. a couple & a few unofficial. hijess!] just 102 posts. and my musings. stay tuned.

when all else fails

fakeit. having one of those blue days. just in a funk and cant quite figure out why. maybe im lonely in this new city. maybe i wish i was somewhere else. maybe i need to go somewhere else. maybe i need to stop comparing myself to others. maybe i know thats true. maybe its easier said. maybe i should get off of twitter until i have a reason to be on twitter. maybe i need an agent. maybe i need headshots. maybe i should stop talking about it. maybe this blog needs to disappear into thin air. maybe i should remove myself from this world and rejoin the real world. maybe i am dwelling on the past again. maybe i want it all back. maybe i dont want any of it. maybe i get too down on my own self. maybe i should appreciate my life more. maybe i am blessed. maybe i know thats true too. maybe i should find a volunteer position. maybe i should see it. maybe i am too damn pessimistic. maybe i only pretend to be an extrovert. maybe sanguid doesnt describe me at all. maybe i should take a walk. maybe i should run. maybe i should go to the library. maybe i need to pull out my old barbie diary. maybe i need to pick up the good ole b.i.b.l.e. maybe. maybe i need a hug.

:maybe is one of those words that looks really funny after seeing/saying it repeatedly

the black snob/ on hair&men

"can i touch it?" read this article over @ theblacksnob that brought this conversation on....check it out.

i am not my hair. or am i? went natural a couple years back. no exact date because i dont remember. just one day i said. no more creamycrack. also love changing my hair. hence the extensions, the theatrical hairpieces [ok. lacewigs], and such. not only does the "fakehair" allow me to play with the many characters of d., also great "protective styling" if done properly. [still figuring out this natural journey] recently decided to change the look and had the opportunity to let my natural go "ahhhh". my locks say thankyou. but then shortly after reverted back to my longhairdontcare. i dont think i am my hair. but sometimes i wonder how much of a hold it has on me. is it for me? or is it for them?

tweeps.

never thought the day would come. actually i did. but my first tweet was gonna be "i just got signed to..." or "i am an agency-represented..." but one step at a time. going to try out this social marketing.social media.social networking thing. funny how before the world caught on i had a mini following. now that "it" has a name, at a stump as to the who.what.hows. its easier not trying. but lets get started. and to think this was supposed to be my hiding place.

http://twitter.com/deltoiyamoniQue.

:.stay tuned for the launch of a site. dont know what to name it. yes every actress uses their name. but you know me. got to be different.

stop haaating.

rant. alert. why is when someone gives 'constructive criticism' people always liken it to 'hating'. i for one have never cared for that word. maybe it was because mommy used to say "hate is a very strong word". but what is "hate"? was having a conversation with someone regarding a particular performance* at last nights' [infamous?] vma awards. [in which this pic has nothing to do with the convo, just appropiate.] and in this conversation i critiqued this favorite person's performance which i personally thought was lackluster. maybe it was because i expect more/need to see growth. always think for artists who have talent they dont need the certain sexual gimmicks to sell. yet they insist upon it. i know its our culture. sex sells. yes yes. but that does that mean entertain the ridiculia. evolve. show me something i haven't seen. maybe i should stop expecting so much. but in this phone rant. i got the stop "hating".*blank stare. i feel strongly about a lot of things; whether it be film, music, dance, fine art, this 'industry' the world. therefore i will forever throw my 2 cents in. but why is it "hating" ? when im working on a scene and the director tells me, "that didnt work" do i stomp my feet, roll my eyes, pout and scream stop hating. no. i take my notes. in hopes of growth. of course there are those negative people who never have anything nice to say. and maybe that is "hate". but lets remember not everyone is attacking. some may just be giving a dose of constructive criticism. so in this i end. lets hear the rest of the album. try a new look. and please please better performances. [insert the labelle pics from patti's book] creativity rules! rant. end.



*:on him. if we have to use the word. this was "hating" at its finest. real mad joe jackson. not ok.

postsecret/blogsecret

but still. ok so im late. but have you seen these sites dedicated to people sharing their most intimate secrets. its quite therapeutic in my current state. an easy distraction. but when i pause.

http://blogsecret.tumblr.com
http://postsecret.blogspot.com

:there goes that lump again...
picsource.doworkdesign via parisrecycled

cant you feel a brand new day

i get so hard on myself at times. i think we all do at one point or another. when nothing seems to be going right. or when you're trying to figure it all out. you look back and the past and wallow in it. well i do. for the past couple of years i have been so focused on where i went wrong, the maybe-not-the best decisions i made, the what if? and i sink into this hole. this depressing, self inflicting place of regret. i dont like to think i have regrets. as people like to say, it all happens for a reason. its the mistakes that make us who we are. but to be honest. doing it right the first time might have been a little easier. i look at it in a slightly spiritual sense. the two roads. the fork. His way, the other way. ive gotten a lot more life in the past few years. those experiences that are supposed to make you wiser, mature. but not without some sort of pain or loss. loss of innocence. left that naive, hopeful wide eyed behind. and emerged something changed. a little wiser. less smiles. its strange. was having this discussion, minus the rambling with two different females in my life. one younger just on the brink of spreading her wings. the other my age. in a different place. more like where i was when i moved back here. after sharing some bits of life, lessons and my own 2 cents. i found myself feeling "wise". in a sense. actually found myself sounding like my mother who will talk and talk but when its all said and done-gives you truth. hope that in my talking and talking both ladies took something from the conversation. sitting in that place. that black hole. thinking about the woulda,coulda shouldas is not changing today. you have to live in the moment. you will bring your own self down [and who needs that?] and never progress towards greater. greatness. take those wouldacouldashouldas and apply to them to the decisions you will make. the positive choices you will choose. sure i probably should have kept my butt at state. [but im not the social type and campus life is crazy.]. and as much as sometimes i wish we'd catch up with our movies and invent that damn time machine. we wont. and we cant. and i shouldnt want to. because tomorrow is going to be so much brighter. live the life you are living now. stop wallowing in yesterday. and choose the right path today. take that negativity and make it fight for you. make you work harder. hustle harder. want it. get hungry! ive said it before. to you and to you. but i dont think i truly listened to my own words. on facebook finding myself wishing i was where some of my former classmates and peers are now. seeing other actors way ahead of the game, wondering why i am not. wasting time. yes its a waste of time. today. i am focused on me. and me alone. it happened. and its done. and today and tomorrow and the day after. is a brand new day.


.that title is from my jam @ the end of the wiz. hence the pic.
cant u...feel a...brand new daaaaay.

following

aha moment! just figuring out the "following" thing on ole blogger here. so thiiis is how we build a base? & i just noticed i have a first follower. helloo there. geesh- i have the potential to be a social networking guru. just entirely too unaware in this wrld. gnna get up on it though. promise. might have to go bck & look into claire's guide to blogging. all these durn blogs i read and im not using this tool properly.





learning the art of blogging

allthatblack

have the most amazing vintage black leather skirt. found @ one of my secretplaces. yet to wear. post later when i find my camera. rummaging thru foreign style blogs thnking of what 2 wear. brings me to my current issue. so need a style. got stuck watching bravos ny prep. [guiltypleasures] and the girl had a stylist. her friend was talking smck about her, like why did she need a stylist. but she is working on a career and is supposedly a budding artist. [whatshername] kelli can sing. seriously. so i do get it. even if she is quite young. nevertheless as a 'budding actress' my mom-ager. [her new name.] keeps telling me the same. preparing for the film festival she was in my suitcase picking at my warddrobe like a true stage mom. i am so proud! lol.


randoms.




erinwasson, balenciaga, balmain

i cry you cry

todays the first day i cried. not the first day it hurt. its always. knowing the inevitable. and waiting for it. like waiting for the plane to fall out the sky. or for the pain to hit. sick feeling. knots getting tighter. be strong. dont cry. dont know how im going to let you go. wasnt supposed to be like this. a couple weeks. a month. see you later. turned into cohabitation. shacking. loving. falling. deep. out. in. with. supposed to not care. did it well for so long. arms length. kept a distance. ice cold. black heart. but you told me i deserved everything in the world. told me i was the most beautiful. broke down those. concrete. massive walls. when i wasnt even looking. days. to years. i couldnt even drink. not quite a girl. not yet her woman. not yet independent. you hate the word. running. from place. to him. seeking that. it. little black girl lost. you saved me. so why cant i save you. from me. from her. hold you and hide you from the pain. make it all go away and not come back again. you are a beautiful soul. like a bird with a broken wing. fly. on your pretty wings. dont let her take your joy. she isnt worth your tears. forgive me when its said and done. i pray.

g for grinder

-kid cudi.

moved back to this city when i was still trying to figure her out. 2+ years later. really dont know how much farther i've got in the quest for womanly wisdom. progress, yes. but when it all boils down to it. are we there yet? spent the greater part of it lost. but in it all, i've found something more. and take that and continue this. gypsy dreams. as a child we moved often. never too long for any real memories. stories. trueblues. and then we came here. have a love/hate with this place. long enough for. memories. stories. blues. long enough to long to go. the itch. as she's become - she recognizes that time. the yearn. see what else the world holds and has for her. this time i was open. little by little. comfortable. which makes it hard. as if it would be easy. had a plan. used to say whats your plan? as long as you have that. make every day count.

so whats my plan?